Besides the acclaimed children’s book, Man vs. Rock, or my supporting role in the hit TV series, the Mentalist, you may not know me … but I know you! In fact, I watch everything you do, which may or may not have anything to do with the 15 years I spent in Guantanamo Bay Children’s Prison. (My neighbors kept complaining about “some homeless geologist standing outside my window listening to One Direction and staring at me while he pleasures himself.” All I can say is that back in my day, if I looked out my window and saw that: I would salute them. But that’s just because I love America just a little too much …)
Anyway, according to the terms of my probation officer, Sir Gregory Hardy, I am required to provide advice to the degenerates and perverts that read things on the internet. So if you want some hot, steamy Black Friday Deals, here you go (Note to AiPT!, please delete my earlier email; I thought “Black Friday Deal” meant that Popeye’s had some sort of promotion during a Friday night NBA game … innocent mistake).
Sale: 50% off marked up price (after 5,000% markup)
The first edible laptop from McDonalds hit the consumer electronics scene with a fury! Although this puppy was officially banned in Turkmenistan due to their stringent consumer protection laws, luckily we here in the United States only care about one thing: Freedom of Meat! Freedom to buy any goddamn thing we want, even if that thing is widely accepted in the scientific community to be the second leading cause of anal bleeding (besides an Elton John Tribute band concert).
The McLapTop™ is a fantastic product. At a light 77 pounds and with a massive 2” screen, this is the kind of computer that you just can’t leave home without! If you’re wondering about the graphics card, don’t worry it doesn’t bother with that nerd stuff. Instead it has a full deck of playing cards! Note: some consumers have reported that the deck usually only contains three cards or less and the cards typically contain religious or ethnic slurs.
If you want one of these bad boys you better act now before the pesky FDA does!
Deal #2: UnFitBit™ – Exercise BS Thingie
Sale: 0.4 cent rebate when you send a Nigerian Prince your social security number and tax returns.
The fabulously popular UnFitBit™ is the ideal piece of garbage you can wear on your wrist to pretend that you aren’t a lazy piece of crap. It expertly tracks the motion of your arm as you shove yet another cronut into your feeding hole while proudly ordering a Diet Coke. It pretends that slamming your face into a custard pie is calorie burning workout identical to a Kenyan gold-medal marathon champion’s.
When you look at the digital display of your UnFitBit™ and see your “calorie burning” numbers skyrocket, you will convince yourself that you are in peak physical condition. You will then likely die of a heart attack within the year, and UnFitBit™ will collect your body for a nominal fee (read the terms and conditions). After that, UnFitBit™ will sell your organs on the black market and keep track of all the calories your organs burn in their new bodies — that’s the UnFitBit™ guarantee!
Deal #3: RainbowDanceBot™ – Children’s Toy
Sale: 7% off when you agree to sell your child’s soul to the Supreme Prince of Darkness.
That’s right parents! It’s the hottest toy this holiday season! The RainbowDanceBot™ not only is covered in rainbow colors and dances to the latest Kidz Bop miniCD, but it also can open a portal to demonic realms! The next time you can’t find a sitter, have no fear! RainbowDanceBot™ will rend the fabric of reality to suit your child’s evil needs!
Just toss your children through the demonic portal for a few hours and pick them up when you get back from your romantic date night! Our trained satanic technicians will be thrilled to watch your children and harvest their souls in our chambers of eternal torture. Your kids will have a blast burning the flesh of heretics and disemboweling the usurers! They are sure to be all tuckered out when you get home and will be ready to go straight to bed.
If your child grows a second head (typically a goat head), have no fear, this is a perfectly normal side effect of traveling back and forth through demonic realms. Simply slice off the unwanted head and place it in a deep pot roast pan. Marinate in a teriyaki-based sauce and cook for four hours (cajun seasoning is acceptable as well). Your child must consume the goat head within 15 minutes or they will transform into a winged goblin for the rest of eternity. If that happens, we will offer you a brand new RainbowDanceBot™ at a 3% discount when the next child arrives!
Come back after my next prison sentence when I have some more great Black Friday Doorbusters!
Buck Stone… is what they call me when I teach my Kindergarten class. I am known for my battle against most vile creatures in human history: Rocks! If you want to read about how I punched, kicked and impregnated those rocks out of extinction, then check out my comic book (ManVsRock.com).